Behind the Smile: Understanding Masking in Neurodivergent Women

Masking in the context of neurodivergence refers to the conscious or unconscious effort to hide, suppress, or “camouflage” traits and behaviors that are seen as different or not socially acceptable. This can include things like emotional reactions, stimming behaviors, forgetfulness, difficulty focusing, or the need for structure and routine. Masking is often a survival strategy developed over time to fit in, avoid judgment, or meet societal expectations.

For many neurodivergent individuals—especially those with ADHD or autism—masking becomes second nature. It starts early, often in childhood, when we learn that certain behaviors invite ridicule, discipline, or exclusion. We begin to monitor ourselves constantly: don’t talk too much, don’t fidget, don’t forget your homework again, don’t get emotional, don’t daydream. Over time, this self-monitoring becomes exhausting, yet we continue doing it because the world tells us, directly or indirectly, that we’re “too much” or “not enough.”

Masking can involve mimicking neurotypical behavior, rehearsing social scripts, pushing through sensory discomfort, and hiding the visible signs of overwhelm. On the outside, someone might appear calm, friendly, and high-functioning, while internally they are battling anxiety, mental fatigue, and deep disconnection from their authentic self. The energy it takes to maintain this performance can lead to chronic stress, burnout, and even a loss of identity.

What makes masking particularly insidious is that it often goes unnoticed by others—even by professionals—because it “works.” The very act of masking can delay diagnosis, prevent accommodations, and reinforce the false belief that we’re managing just fine. In reality, many neurodivergent people are quietly unraveling behind the scenes, just trying to hold it all together.

Understanding and unlearning masking is a crucial part of healing. It involves recognising which parts of ourselves have been edited or hidden for the sake of acceptance, and slowly allowing those parts to come to light. It’s a process of coming home to ourselves, one unmasked layer at a time.

Behind the Smile: Understanding Masking in Neurodivergent Women

Masking is especially common—and often more intense—for women with ADHD. There are a few key reasons why: To summarise:

1. Societal Expectations of Gender

Girls and women are often socialised to be compliant, organised, and emotionally regulated. So when a girl has ADHD and struggles with impulsivity, daydreaming, forgetfulness, or emotional intensity, she may learn early on to hide these traits in order to appear “normal” or “good.”

2. Different Presentation of ADHD in Women

ADHD in women tends to show up more as:

• Inattentiveness

• Overwhelm

• Emotional dysregulation

• Perfectionism

• Anxiety

These traits are often internalised or misdiagnosed (e.g., as anxiety or depression), so instead of getting support, many women feel like they just need to “try harder” or “be more disciplined.”

3. Exhaustion from Constant Self-Monitoring

Masking can lead to chronic stress and burnout. Women may spend enormous energy keeping up appearances—at work, in relationships, as caregivers—while struggling in silence behind the scenes.

4. Late Diagnosis and Identity Confusion

Many women are diagnosed with ADHD later in life—sometimes in their 30s, 40s, or 50s. By that point, they've often spent decades masking, and the diagnosis brings both relief and grief. It can take time to figure out which parts of their personality are authentic and which have been shaped by years of masking.

5.Examples of Masking in ADHD Women

• Smiling and acting calm while feeling overwhelmed

• Over-preparing or over-organising to avoid mistakes

• Mimicking social behaviors (e.g., copying others’ routines or responses)

• Avoiding situations that might expose memory lapses or impulsiveness

• Saying “yes” to avoid confrontation or being seen as difficult

  
  

Masking can be both protective and harmful. It helps people navigate a world that isn’t designed for neurodivergent minds—but it also prevents them from being fully seen, supported, and accepted for who they are.

To every woman who spent years wondering what was “wrong” with her, who internalised criticism, over-functioned, and quietly broke down behind closed doors—I see you. This journey, late as it may feel, is not the end of something but the beginning of something far more honest. Your diagnosis is not a label of limitation; it’s a key to understanding. And as we begin to unmask together, may we find not only self-acceptance but also community, courage, and the power to rewrite the stories we were never given the language for. You were never broken. You were just unheard—and now, finally, you're speaking. And we are listening.

Love

Tracey xXx